I am a path
In the warm fall sun beautiful trees grow on me
And as i watch, they shape and form around me.
Scatterd leaves cover the path
where long lost lovers walked
hand in hand
I am a path
where long lost lovers make their promises
and tell their darkest secrets
the one's not even their own best friends know.
I am a path
where long lost lovers dance till sunday under the night sky
were nobody can touch them not even god.
But for some reason their love cant be saved
I am a path
were long lost lovers take their last breath
and last i love you dance
I am a path were she lies helpess....
waiting for him to come back to her
( this is my far my best work.i hope you like it as much as i do)
4 comments:
Very good! I love the whole concept of "the path". A path in its self is very universal and mysterious.
Suggestions: "In the warm fall sun beautiful trees grow on me"
I love the whole concept of trees growing up through the path, but I would limit your adjective use on the sun. "warm fall sun" could probably be condensed into one strong adjective. And same with trees. Are they only beautiful? What is your definition of beautiful? I love the idea and concept you have, I am just wanting to know more specifics!
"where long lost lovers make their promises
and tell their darkest secrets
the one's not even their own best friends know."
I love this line! Again, maybe you would want to replace "best friends" with something more specific.
"were long lost lovers take their last breath
and last i love you dance"
I dont understand that part. Maybe I am just missing it.
"I am a path
where long lost lovers dance till sunday under the night sky"
I LOVE THAT! soo good. You already hjave the concept of dance there, so maybe you would want to revise the last part where you mention dance.
I agree with Hope. I find the concept to be a very good one. You have some lines that are stronger than others and some that are a little unclear. I feel that if you worked on word choice (better adjectives, ones that serve as clearer images), line breaks, and punctuation this could be a strong and powerful final draft.
i love this poem!!! i love the description and the repetition of "long lost lovers" it mkaes it that much better =)
Wow. This is nicely done. =^-^= It really touches my heart.
"I am a path were she lies helpless...
waiting for him to come back to her."
Brilliant.
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